


Kaz has removed everyone from the groupchat.

by ghoststoriesandothershit (orphan_account), sigh_so (orphan_account)



Category: Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Texting, groupchat, i rlly like mafia shit ok, including the sexts he definitely gets from jesper, inej and nina are precious gaybies and i love them, is that wylan cant fucking read, matthias is lonely, my favourite thing about this ok, teenage mafia, which means siri reads out all of his texts in a super uninterested voice
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-08
Updated: 2017-05-09
Packaged: 2018-10-16 13:19:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10572123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/ghoststoriesandothershit, https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/sigh_so
Summary: Inej wants Kaz to get some counselling, Nina wants everyone to be friends, Kuwei wants Wylan to stop acting like such a brat to him, Wylan wants his father dead,  Jesper wants Kaz to stop insulting his cat, Matthias wants Nina to stop bullying him about being single, Kaz just wants to run a successful drug-dealing business.Nobody is happy with this.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> CODE:  
> Kaz: kaz  
> Inky: Inej  
> two guns jesper: jesper  
> NOOT NOOT: nina  
> matt: matthias  
> Voice-to-text: wylan  
> Please: kuwei

_ Kaz  _ has made a new chat.

_ Kaz  _ has added  _ two guns jesper _ ,  _ inky, NOOT NOOT, matt, voice-to-text, Please. _

_ Kaz  _ has named the chat “Bottom of the barrel”.

 

_ Kaz: _

This chat is strictly business related only. If I see a single meme in here there’ll be consequences.

 

_ two guns jesper: _

mm yes punish me daddy

 

_ Kaz  _ has removed  _ two guns jesper  _ from the chat

 

_ Please: _

fucking savage

 

_ Inky  _ has become an admin.

_ Inky  _ has added  _ two guns jesper  _ to the chat.

 

_ Inky: _

Play nice Kaz.

 

_ Kaz: _

Who said you could be an admin?

 

_ Kaz _ has edited the admin feature.

New admins must be approved by a current admin.

 

_ matt: _

guys your ruining kaz’s mafia aesthetic

 

_ Please: _

**you’re :)

 

_ voice-to-text: _

Pretentious much?

 

_ Please: _

Its joke

 

_ Kaz: _

Kuwei, stop causing trouble.

 

_ Please: _

What the fuck? What the fuck? Wylans the one being a little bitch!

 

_ voice-to-text:  _ Yeah kuwei

 

_ voice-to-text:  _ Stop causing trouble

 

_ Kaz: _

Wylan’s too innocent to do that.

 

_ Please: _

I hate all of you.

 

_ inky: _

stop being mean to wylan

 

_ inky:  _

hes a nice boy

 

_ matthias: _

??? no hes not?

 

_ matt: _

wylan put extreme sour lime pop rocks in my choco puff cereal because i moved his homework off the bench so i could work???

 

_ voice-to-text: _

i would literally never

 

_ inky: _

wylan would never!

 

_ NOOT NOOT: _

… im not sure who i should side with here

 

_ Please: _

um? me?

 

_ NOOT NOOT: _

i mean kuwei is my bffl but matthias is siding with him and ugh. and inej is siding with wylan so like… do i go with my ex bf and my bff or my gf and her son?

 

_ Matt: _

i thought we broke up on good terms what the fuck?

 

_ matt:  _

nina thats actually so mean im really hurt

 

_ inky: _

wylan has never done anything wrong ever

 

_ voice-to-text: _

Side with me, I’m cute

 

_ Please: _

ive never. ive never felt so betrayed.

 

_ NOOT NOOT: _

YOU TWO ARE TEARING THIS FAMILY APART

 

_ two guns jesper: _

hey guys sorry i had 2 go rescue David Meowie. whats up?

 

_ Kaz: _

im replacing all of you with androids.

 

_ two guns jesper: _

good to know!  
  


_ NOOT NOOT: _

do any of u have the math homework

 

_ inky: _

the homework or the answers to it?

 

_ NOOT NOOT: _

both

 

_ Kaz: _

I do. But it’ll cost you.

 

_ NOOT NOOT: _ _  
_ ur a cruel man, kaz brekker.

 

_ NOOT NOOT: _

...how much?

 

_ Kaz: _ _  
_ Ten bucks and I need you to flirt with a guy.

 

_ Voice-to-text: _

Nina, don’t worry, I’ve got the math work!

 

_ Voice-to-text: _

I’ll go over it with you at break tomorrow?

 

_ Kaz: _

God fucking dammit Wylan.

 

_ NOOT NOOT: _ _  
_ WYLAN UR A LIFESAVER

 

_ two guns jesper: _

ive never been more proud. Look at my boyfriend everyone. hes saving lives. curing cancer. ruining kaz brekkers job.

 

_ Voice-to-text: _

Oh my god, Jesper, stop.

 

_ Voice-to-text: _

You’re not actually mad, right Kaz?   
  


_ NOOT NOOT: _   
ill flirt with the guy anyway if u want. what for tho?

 

_ Kaz: _   
Don’t worry, i can’t stay mad at wylan. 

 

_ Kaz: _

Thanks btw. I just need a distraction on saturday during the soccer game.

 

_ NOOT NOOT: _   
oh ok.

 

_ two guns jesper: _

i can think of a few ways u can make me stop~ ;3

 

_ NOOT NOOT: _

jesper did u just use a furry face

 

_ two guns jesper: _

maybe ;3

 

_ Voice-to-text: _

I’m breaking up with you.

 

_ Kaz: _   
So am I.

 

_ two guns jesper: _

kaz? we’re? not dating?

 

_ Kaz: _

As a friend.

 

_ Voice-to-text: _

I really think you should be more concerned about the fact I’m leaving you.

 

_ two guns jesper: _

youre right. im so sorry wylan. pls forgive me i love you and ill make you cookies.

 

_ Voice-to-text: _

Tell me you love me again and we have a deal.

 

_ two guns jesper: _

i love you more than i love guns and my pet cat

 

_ Voice-to-text: _

omg

 

_ Voice-to-text: _

I’m coming over I love you too

 

_ Kaz: _

Jesus fucking christ. I’m so mad I introduced you two.

 

_ NOOT NOOT: _

ur just jealous that ur single

 

_ Kaz: _

Don’t be ridiculous.

_ NOOT NOOT: _

uh huh. *skeptical face*

 

_ Kaz  _ has removed  _ NOOT NOOT  _ from the groupchat.

 

_ Kaz: _

I give it three seconds before inej adds her again.

 

_ Kaz: _

1…

 

_ Kaz: _

2…

 

_ Kaz: _

3…

 

_ Kaz: _

huh

 

_ matt: _

guess its just us in here huh?

 

_ matt: _

all alone

 

_ matt _ :

single

  
_ Kaz  _ has removed  _ matt  _ from the groupchat.


	2. wylans life is hard but hes still trying and i love him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the formatting of last chapter is shit because i wrote it in google docs but hopefully this is better?

_Voice-to-text:_ Ok guys who fuckin moved my flute

 

 _two guns jesper_ : not me babe i had a doctors appointment this morning

 

 _Voice-to-text:_ It was right in my locker? I know it was one of you cunts. I'm so mad right now.

 

 _matt_ : jfc maybe chill?

 

 _Voice-to-text:_ You guys don't fucking know how hard it is to find a suited instrument for you! I've had that flute for years it's weighted perfectly I can't just get another one!

 

 _inky:_ aaa that sucks wylan :( i don't know who moved it but i hope you find it!

 

 _two guns jesper_ : i can help you look/threaten people at lunch if u want?

 

 _Voice-to-text:_ Yeah I guess. I'm just really upset because my mum bought it with me.

 

 _two guns jesper_ : oh babe...

 

 _inky_ : omg sweetie

 

 _Kaz:_ Wylan I moved it, sorry. It's in the locked case in the music room. I needed to stash some weed somewhere and the flute case seemed like the best thing.

 

 _matt_ : JFC

 

 _matt_ : what is wRONG WITH YOU GUYS

 

 _Kaz:_ It's just weed? Not like I was selling coke or something calm down.

 

 _Voice-to-text:_ Can you tell me next time? I'm not mad anymore but it made me really stressed.

 

 _Kaz_ : I guess.

 

 _Voice-to-text:_ Thanks Kaz. I'm going to be practicing in the music room until school starts if you guys want me.

 

 _inky_ : kaz please. u need to actually talk to people u disaster

 

 _Kaz:_ Um? Rude? 

 

 _matt:_ it wasn't specifically the weed i was talking about my dude. you used your friends locker to hide illegal drugs and didn't tell him? 

 

 _Kaz_ : Can you maybe fuck off

 

 _matt:_ make me

 

 _Kaz_ : I literally could hire someone to have you killed

 

 _Kaz_ : I can do that

 

 _Kaz_ : I run a huge underground mob

 

 _inky:_ but you're not killing anyone, because i'd put you in jail in five seconds flat

 

 _Kaz_ : It'd take you at least a month but okay.

 

 _two guns jesper_ : stop flirting you two

 

 _inky:_ that joke was in bad taste you ass

 

 _Kaz:_ We don't talk about that.

 

 _Kaz_ : Ever.

 

 _two guns jesper_ : yea it makes matthias jealous

 

 _matt_ : ;)

 

 _Kaz:_ Fucking. 

 

 _Kaz_ : i hate you all.

 

 _two guns jesper_ : kaz u forgot to capitalize your i!

 

 _matt_ : did you get flustered lmao

 

 _Kaz_ has removed _matt_ from the groupchat.

 

 _two guns jesper:_ harsh man

 

 _Kaz:_ this is coming from the guy who gave a drunken confession of love to Kuwei only to take it back when he realized it wasn't wylan

 

 _two guns jesper:_ it wASNT ON PURPOSE

 

 _two guns jesper_ : I STILL FEEL REALLY BAD ABOUT IT

 

 _two guns jesper_ : **@ _Please_** IM SORRY ILY IT WAS A MAJOR DICK MOVE

 

 _Kaz:_ Whatever.

 

 _Please_ : jesper...

 

 _Please:_ It's fucking seven thirty in the morning

 

 _Please:_ i don't even care anymore i was being a dick too but

 

 _Please:_ can we maybe talk about this when i'm fully awake?

 

 _two guns jesper_ : sorry my dude

 

 _Please_ : also. ily2 but if you wake me up this early again with a direct message im literally going to stab you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i like to think that jesper and kuwei are Bros now. and wylan like... is jokingly salty about it but lowkey actually salty
> 
> no nina because she doesn't wake up this early #goddess


	3. everyone is thirsty and nina and inej are the power couple we all need

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright so like. implied sexual content because theyre fucking teenagers lmao. nina and inej get kinda deep for a bit im so sorry i dont know what happened there this is meant to be funny  
> also theyre all quite mean to each other about past romantic stuff but dont worry. theyre bffs its all light hearted. (except maybe on wylans part but everyone has yet to realize that he's genuinely a lil jealous bitch. i love him.)

_Please:_ gUYS

 

_Please:_ I JUST SAW THE MOST ATTRACTIVE GUY EVER

 

_two guns jesper:_ kuwei, calm your thirst for me

 

_Please:_ that ship has sailed my dude im in love with the mysterious stragnger at the bus stop

 

_two guns jesper:_ stragnger

 

_Please:_ let me live

 

_matt:_ yeah, kuwei's true love is me, obviously

 

_NOOT NOOT:_ hA U WISH KUWEI AND ME ARE MARRIED

 

_Please:_ true. but honestly if i were to be in love with any of you it would be matthias

 

_matt:_ CALLED IT

 

_NOOT NOOT:_ what

 

_two guns jesper:_ wHY

 

_kuwei:_ he's the only one of us who looks like he'll grow a beard in the next thirty years

 

_matt:_ you hear this nina. look what you're missing out on. kuwei appreciates me.

 

_Kaz:_ I could grow a beard. If i wanted to.

 

_NOOT NOOT:_ that is such a lie omg

 

_two guns jesper:_ i can't believe kaz brekker is actually insecure about his inability to grow facial hair

 

_Kaz:_ I could. Facial hair is just generally unnattractive and I like my youthful edge.

 

_NOOT NOOT:_ uh huh

 

_Please:_ lmao kaz plz

 

_two guns jesper:_ YOU'RE SO FULL OF SHIT OMG

 

_matt:_ guys stop bullying him

 

_matt:_ anyway, can we get back to the matter at hand? kuwei apparently has a thing for lumberjacks?

 

_Kaz:_ It wasn't fucking bullying, Matthias. I'm not that pathetic.

 

_two guns jesper:_ kaz im sorry i didn't mean to hurt ur feelings. i can only grow a moustache but not stubble if it makes u feel better

 

_NOOT NOOT:_ i mean. im with kuwei i can appreciate a good beard

 

_matt:_ now i kinda want to see jesper with a moustache

 

_Please_ : someone get wylan to photoshop it pLEASE

 

_Kaz:_ You're all an embarrassment and I don't know why I hired any of you.

 

_NOOT NOOT:_ "hired"

 

_matt:_ we love you too kaz

 

_two guns jesper:_ hang on so. is it just beards or is it moustaches as well?

 

_Please_ : ewwww fuck no. have u seen a moustache? Ugly.

 

_two guns jesper_ : ....

 

_NOOT NOOT:_ you hurt his feelings!

 

_matt:_ beards are kinda ugly too though?

 

_Please_ : yea but they feel good on ur thighs ;)

 

_Voice-to-text:_ And how would you know?

 

_matt:_ OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

_NOOT NOOT:_ WYLAN COMING IN FOR THE BURN

 

_two guns jesper_ : WYLAN JUST APPEARED OUT OF THE MIST TO DRAG KUWEI IM GONNA FUCKIN. I LOVE U WYALN

 

_Please:_ ur a fucking mean ass little bitch and i hate you (jk im love you wylan)

 

_Voice-to-text:_ At least I'm not a virgin (JK I'm tolerate you)

 

_NOOT NOOT:_ fucking savage

 

_Please:_ at least i dONT CRY DURING SEX

 

_two guns jesper_ : wylan doesn't?

 

_Please_ : it's joke jfc

 

_two guns jesper:_ oh ok. i got a bit worried lol

 

_Voice-to-text:_ God you're a mess Jes. I love you though.

 

_two guns jesper_ : i lov u too... baby... tiny flute man...

 

_Voice-to-text_ : Okay Wow you need some new pet names.

 

_Please:_ ugh you're both disgusting.

 

_NOOT NOOT:_ u know who else is disgusting?

 

_NOOT NOOT_ : me when i look at my girlfriend

 

_NOOT NOOT_ : every time i look at her all i can feel is an overwhelming desire to scoop out my heart and bake it into a delicate pastry before giving it to her with my last breath

 

_two guns jesper:_ ....

 

_Voice-to-text_ : What the actual fuck nina?

 

_Please:_ ???????????

 

_matt:_ dodged a bullet there lol

 

_NOOT NOOT:_ u guys dont understand. inej is an actual angel who fell from heaven and her face is so soft and gentle

 

_NOOT NOOT:_ like a little peach

 

_NOOT NOOT:_ sometimes i just like to cup my hands around her cheeks and look at her

 

_NOOT NOOT:_ and she always smiles kindly and just lets me watch, and sometimes she falls asleep and sometimes she watches me back

 

_NOOT NOOT:_ and all i can think about is how much i love her and how much i want her to always be safe and happy

 

_NOOT NOOT:_ my body fills up with this light floaty feeling and it kinda hurts? like its pushing at my boobs to escape from my chest

 

_NOOT NOOT_ : i kind of want to make high pitched squealing noises but i dont want to disturb her

 

_NOOT NOOT_ : i love inej so much u guys id literally kill anyone in this chat to make her happy. except her i would never hurt her on purpose and i try really hard not to hurt her on accident

 

_Inky:_ ...baby

 

_Inky:_ I just got back from my climb and,,,, this is such a sweet thing to come home to? I love you too, Nina, you're so sweet to me

 

_Inky:_ Sometimes I cry because I'm just so happy to have you and it never feels like I'll deserve you because you're so beautiful and talented and confident. And I'm a scarred broken mess and I forget to take showers and I'd never be good enough for someone as light and precious as you but... even though I know I don't deserve this I can't let you go, not only because I'm a selfish bitch but because I love you too much to hurt you, and I know it would make you upset and I never want to do that to you. I just... god Nina I love you so much

 

_NOOT NOOT:_ emotional talks like these make me regret my name choice

 

_Inky:_ I think it's cute  <3 I love your sense of humor

 

_NOOT NOOT_ : u mean my stale memes <3 ur so darling i love you sm

 

_Please_ : ...guys im in tears please dont ever have these talks in the groupchat again i cant handle it emotionally

 

_NOOT NOOT:_ deal with it

 

_Inky:_ Haha, sorry Kuwei. You never elaborated on your meeting with the handsome stranger, though, so do tell!

 

_Please_ : It wasn't really a meeting, i just saw him lol. You really are too cute though

 

_Voice-to-text:_ Jesper, why don't you ever publicly declare your love for me like that?

 

_two guns jesper:_ i declare my love for you all the time?

 

_Voice-to-text:_ No, you publicly flirt with me, but when it comes to being sweet you get all shy and somehow only manage it when nobody's around and you're in your comfort zone

 

_NOOT NOOT:_ is jesper even capable of being sweet?

 

_Voice-to-text:_ He's bad at it, but he tries. 

 

_two guns jesper_ : i came out to have a good time and im honestly feeling so attacked right now

 

_Voice-to-text_ : Inej might like stale memes but I sure as hell don't eat my ass Jes!

 

_two guns jesper_ : ily2 babe

 

_matt_ : **@** _Kaz_ hey you free on friday

 

_Kaz_ : Not with you.

 

_Please_ : MATTHIAS HELVAR FOUND DEAD IN MIAMI

 

_two guns jesper_ : IS HE OKAY

 

_matt_ : HES DEAD BUT YEAH

 

_Kaz_ : I'm enforcing the no memes policy from now on.


	4. kaz says whatever too much, nina changes her name, this got very romancey all of a sudden, but dont worry its still stupid as fuck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ugh this should have been out like four days ago but i had it typed up and then our power cut off and like... erased all my word files? and then i completely lost motivation bc i didn't want to write it out again. but i went through and read all your comments today and it honestly... it really motivated me? idk i just think youre all really sweet and i appreciate everything.  
> anyway im really sorry for all of this

_ Kaz: _ Jesper and Wylan are literally making out next to me I don’t deserve this even though I encouraged it

_ Inky: _ kaz, aren’t you in class?

_ Kaz _ : Yes.

_ NOOT NOOT: _ ahahaahaha theyre so gonna get caught

_ NOOT NOOT: _ i didn’t know wylan had the guts to break the rules so openly?

_ Please:  _ have you even met wylan?

_ matt _ : pics or it didnt happen…

_ NOOT NOOT _ : yea send hot pics!!

_ Kaz: _ “Hot” is not how I’d describe this.

_ Inky _ : Don’t take photos, get them to stop! Jesper has the subtlety of a motorcycle, they’re going to be in so much trouble!

**_Kaz_ ** **has sent picture** **_doyouguysseethisshitwhatthefuckaretheydoing_ **

_ NOOT NOOT _ : oH MY GD

_ matt:  _ JESUS FUCK

_ Please: _ hOW LONG IS JESPERS TONGUE????

_ matt:  _ SCIENTISETS CANT TE;LL

_ NOOT NOOT:  _ GUYS IM. HOLY FUCK. 

_ Please: _ hsdfjsdhsflsfkjks

_ Inky _ : Kaz, get them to stop!   
**_Kaz_ ** **has sent the group picture** **_2274_ **

**_Kaz_ ** **has sent the group picture** **_2275_ **

**_Kaz_ ** **has sent the group picture** **_2276_ **

**_Kaz_ ** **has sent the group picture** **_2277_ **

_ NOOT NOOT _ : IM GONNA CRY

_ matt _ : ive cbenen fucckiin,,, bleseed

_ NOOT NOOT: _ IM CRYING

_ Inky:  _ stop taking selfies and get them to stop.

**_Kaz_ ** **has sent the group picture** **_fuckyouinej_ **

_ Inky: _ I’m so disappointed.

_ matt: _ kaz you look hot in that last one

_ Kaz:  _ I will kill you.

_ NOOT NOOT: _ WHERE IS WYLAN’S L E G

_ Please: _ it’s the new cryptid

_ Please: _ #ibelieveinwylansleg

**_Kaz_ ** **has sent the group picture** **_2279_ **

_ matt _ : i m ral srry gys but ive lost the abiltiy to tyoe. im, dedas

_ Kaz:  _ thank god

_ NOOT NOOT: _ ahAHAhahsHAHAhahshHshah

_ Please _ : ok frget wylans leg. wha t the FUCK has happened to jesper’s spine? jesper just broke his fucking spine so he could lick wylans throat??? r i p him?

_ matt: _ nah, it’s just bent and looks weird because of the angle of his knees

_ Please:  _ oh i kinda see it

_ NOOT NOOT:  _ omG GUSY I Hve 2 go srry the mtachers comin over he saw kmy phone out b

_ Please: _ he killed her before she could finish her sentence

_ matt: _ careful, dont let kaz see you memeing

_ Kaz:  _ Shut the fuck up, Kuwei.

_ matt: _ told you. I know him so well.

_ Kaz:  _ Shut the fuck up, Matthias.

_ matt: _ make me ;)

_ Please: _ um you guys want me to leave the (chat)room or smth

**_Kaz_ ** **has sent the image** **_bonerkiller_ **

_ Please:  _ FUCL

_ matt:  _ …

_ matt:  _ that was really awful and frankly i never want to see wylan ever again

_ Kaz:  _ Mm.

_ Please: _ kaz is doing a smug anime face right now.

_ Kaz:  _ What? No I’m not?

_ Please:  _ i can see you across the library dumbass.

_ matt: _ ohhh is that how you avoided getting caught

_ Inky: _ did you not see the bookshelves in the back of the photos?

_ Inky:  _ also Im back guys!

_ Please:  _ YAY INEJ IS BACK

_ matt:  _ woo hoo.

_ Inky: _ you know you love me.

_ Kaz:  _ ughhhhhhhh.

_ Inky:  _ I love you too, kaz.

_ matt: _ true, i do love you. you know who else i love? Kuwei Yul-Bo and Kaz Brekker.

_ Please _ : awww, matthias! I love you too <3

_ Please: _ and ofc I love kaz as well? you big emo dork.

_ Kaz: _ Whatever.

_ Inky:  _ That means “i love you guys too” in kaz speak. I know these things, im his best friend.

_ matt:  _ *writing notes*

_ Kaz:  _ You think you’re my best friend?

_ Inky:  _ Me and Jesper, yeah? We’ve known you the longest.

_ Inky: _ And you’re our best friend too, kaz. We love you a lot.

_ Kaz: _ Not what I was asking.

_ matt: _ cmon, just tell us you know we love you.

_ matt:  _ bcus honestly, sometimes i worry you dont know how much we do

_ Please:  _ ooh yes let’s all share our feelings in a big snuggle of love

**_Kaz_ ** **has sent the group picture** **_2281_ **

_ Inky:  _ While that is a horrific image, don’t even think you’re distracting us.

_ Please:  _ kaz, we love you a lot, my dude. my buddy. my bro man.

_ matt: ( _ **@Please** not great terms of affection to use at the moment. you sound kinda sarcastic)

_ Please: _ sorry i mean, my dear friend (?)

_ matt:  _ (yeah you got it!)

_ Inky: _ Come on, kaz.

_ Kaz: _ Ugh.

_ Kaz _ : Fine.

_ Kaz: _ What the fuck ever. I know you guys love me and shit. Now can we get back to making fun of Jesper and Wylan?

_ Inky: _ Yes we can.

  
  


**Private message: you,** **_matt_ **

matt: hey, kaz?

_ matt: _ im just checking in

_ matt: _ i kinda

_ matt: _ i mean we just noticed that you kinda

_ matt: _ you’ve seemed kind of… aggressive lately?

_ matt:  _ no one’s offended or anything!

_ matt: _ we literally dont care. we’re all massive dicks.

_ matt:  _ we’re just worried that you’re having a bad time.

_ matt: _ if there’s anything you’re stressed about you can always talk to me?

_ matt: _ or, like, inej, if you’d prefer that. I can understand why youd prefer her.

_ matt:  _ fuck.

_ matt:  _ that wasn’t meant to sound passive aggressive!

_ matt: _ look, if you’re having trouble with your mob or something, we’d all be happy to help out, okay? i’d go kick ass for you any day if you need an intimidating blonde muscly guy.

**_(read)_ **

 

**Bottom of the Barrel:**

_ Inky:  _ Hey is anyone free to help manage the charity ball for the women’s shelter? They’re okay with boys helping out as waiters too!

_ Voice-to-text:  _ I’ll definitely help out, that sounds fun! Can we donate to it too?

_ Inky:  _ Sure!

_ Inky:  _ You could always come volunteer in the children’s unit, Wylan. I think it might help you.

_ Voice-to-text: _ Yeah, maybe.

_ NOOT NOOT: _ sign me the fuck up! Can i be a sexy waitress

_ Inky:  _ you’ll be really good at that :)

_ NOOT NOOT:( _ />w<\\)

_ two guns jesper: _ nina thats a weeb emoji

_ two guns jesper: _ but also im so down to help out!

_ Please:  _ I haven’t got any experience with that sort of thing, do they provide waiter training?

_ Inky:  _ Definitely! And if you’re still unsure, I’ll teach you a bit. 

_ matt:  _ oh! guys that sounds super fun. and jesper and nina could cook some stuff? and we could just make it really cool for everyone!

_ Inky: _ I really appreciate everyone’s enthusiasm. You’re all just… I love you all.

_ NOOT NOOT: _ awww baby…

_ two guns jesper: _ inej im in love with you

_ Voice-to-text: _ Me too!

_ matt: _ guys im actually real pumped to contribute positively to society

_ Inky: _ Hey, **@Kaz,** are you able to make it?

_ Kaz:  _ Can’t.

_ Inky:  _ That’s okay! We’ll send you pics.

_ Kaz:  _ Whatever.

 

**Private message: you,** **_matt_ **

_ matt _ : kaz

_ matt: _ if it’s me, you can just say it.

_ matt:  _ i know you have a shit tonne of intimacy issues, so if the whole flirting thing is making you uncomfortable, i’ll stop, okay?

_ matt _ : im really fucking sorry, kaz. i didn’t know it actually bothered you. i thought you were joking most of the time and im really sorry

_ matt: _ that isnt an excuse btw. i completely understand why youd be pissed with me.

_ matt:  _ im so, so sorry

_ Kaz:  _ Oh my god

_ Kaz: _ Matthias, it’s not you.

_ Kaz: _ Fuck.

_ matt:  _ oh my god ur alive!!!

_ matt:  _ fucking. Thank Christ.

_ matt:  _ i was so worried id been isolating you.

_ Kaz: _ If anything, I’ve been isolating myself.

_ Kaz:  _ I’m not. I’m not mad, or upset, or angry with any of you or unhappy or anything

_ Kaz: _ I’m just

_ Kaz:  _ I’m really fucking happy, okay?

_ Kaz:  _ And I’ve never really felt this secure and appreciated and content and I have no idea how to fucking deal with it!   
_ matt:  _ oh kaz

_ matt: _ why didn’t you just say something?

_ Kaz: _ Because I’m a fucking disaster? I get really happy and I finally have a fucking family of sorts and what do i do? I get frightened and I call them names and refuse to communicate because I have no idea what to do.

_ Kaz: _ How am I supposed to tell you that i messed everything up because I was terrified of messing everything up?

_ Kaz:  _ I’m always pushing you away.

_ matt: _ kaz. 

_ matt:  _ i don’t care.

_ Kaz:  _ Yes, you do. Don’t push sugary sweet lies into me.

_ matt:  _ hardly sweet. i dont care because you’re always an asshole anyway. And because jesper is an asshole, and wylan is an asshole and im an asshole and

matt: actually, all of our friends are assholes except for inej

_ Kaz:  _ Like that’s any surprise to anyone.

_ matt: _ anYWAY. You’ve been bitchy and distant and uncommunicative and you know what we did?

_ matt: _ we worried about you constantly. I looked at my texts and all i could think about was how much i cared about you and how scared i was that you’d cut yourself off.

_ matt:  _ we want you any way we can get you, but we’d prefer it if you were happy.

_ matt: _ if you’re struggling with how to deal with feeling safe, let us help. i KNOW we’ll all want nothing more than to help.

_ matt:  _ look. im a massive prick and im awful at comforting people but i just want you safe. and hearing that you’ve just been happy this whole time? that felt so freeing.

_ matt: _ im not going to say anything to the others. but i think you should.

_ Kaz:  _ thank you.

_ matt:  _ kaz? literally any time.

_ Kaz: _ I’ll tell them in person tomorrow. At lunch.

_ matt: _ I think that’s a really good plan.

_ Kaz: _ And

_ Kaz: _ And I really appreciate your concern. I don’t think you’re bad at comforting people at all.

_ Kaz _ : <3

_ matt: _ hOLY FU CKH F HSIT

 

**Private message: you,** **_two guns jesper_ **

_ Kaz:  _ Jesper

_ Kaz:  _ Jesper, I’m gonna lose my cool for a bit ok

t _ wo guns jesper: _ ok it is three o clock at night but there’s a reason i have ur pms on loud 24/7. im here 2 help my dude

_ Kaz: _ ok

_ Kaz:  _ Shit, I don’t want to tell you now.

_ two guns jesper: _ we havent had Intense Night Talks in ages. i miss u freaking out abt ppl discovering ur gun blog

_ Kaz: _ It’s an illegal trading website!

_ two guns jesper:  _ honestly im just hurt u wont share ur firearm collection

_ Kaz:  _ Jesper!

_ two guns jesper: _ two exclamation points… r u okay????

_ Kaz:  _ I SENT MATTHIAS A HEART EMOJI

_ two guns jesper: _ holy fuck

t _ wo guns jesper: i _ AM LIVING

_ two guns jesper:  _ DID HE SEND ANYTHING BACK

_ Kaz: _ A LOT OF CURSING

_ two guns jesper: _ DID YOU REPLY

_ Kaz:  _ NO

_ two guns jesper:  _ OH VERY NICE. PLAYING IT COOL.

_ Kaz: _ WHAT DO YOU THINK HE’S THINKING?

_ two guns jesper:  _ “OMG I CANT BELIEVE KAZ IS A TSUNDERE”

_ Kaz _ : I AM NOT A TSUNDERE

_ two guns jesper:  _ YEA YOU ARE

_ Kaz:  _ BUT DO U THINK HE MEANS IT WHEN HE’S FLIRTING?

_ two guns jesper: _ UH, YEAH? UR A CATCH

_ Kaz: _ THATS NOT TRUE

_ Kaz: _ CAN WE QUIT WITH THE CAPSLOCK NOW

t _ wo guns jesper:  _ YEAH

_ Kaz:  _ I mean seriously. I can’t touch people. Look at what a mess I made trying to date Inej

_ two guns jesper:  _ inej thought it was cute tho

_ Kaz:  _ she also immediately turned me down and got a girlfriend

_ two guns jesper:  _ well, look on the bright side! nina doesn’t want to date matthias again!

_ Kaz:  _ That’s a very convoluted way of making a bright side.

_ two guns jesper:  _ look. Matthias thinks ur the bees knees

_ Kaz:  _ he literally called me a demon when we met

_ two guns jesper: _ that was probably a subtle way of letting you know he was into some kinky roleplay

_ Kaz:  _ yeah, and then he found out i have massive trauma about touching people and started mocking me

two guns jesper: you know thats dumb. And not just bc of my ridiculous demon idea.

_ Kaz _ : How did you get Wylan to date you?

_ two guns jesper _ : you know how. I got really drunk, humiliated kuwei, and then realized i should probably tell him about it before he found out on his own

_ Kaz:  _ Yeah, but

_ Kaz:  _ What did you say?

_ two guns jesper: _ i was just really honest. i told him how long id liked him, how i was planning to tell him that, and then everything that happened the night before

_ two guns jesper:  _ and then he laughed for twenty minutes and made me buy him starbucks

t _ wo guns jesper: _ which was super unfair bc hes rich as hell and it cost like sixteen dollars which is a crime against nature and honestly im still in debt from that one coffee buying adventure

_ Kaz: _ Was it worth it?

_ two guns jesper _ : hell yeah.

  
  


**Bottom of the barrel:**

_ NOOT NOOT:  _ so.

_ NOOT NOOT: _ as you all know.

_ NOOT NOOT:  _ my name choice is the only one in this chat in capslock

_ NOOT NOOT:  _ which sometimes makes it distracting.

_ NOOT NOOT _ : it also kind of ruins any kind of serious talk

_ NOOT NOOT: _ as well as being an old and kind of try-hard-y meme

_ NOOT NOOT:  _ SO

_ NOOT NOOT: _ im changing my name!

_ Inky _ : Omg!!

_ Please: _ the end of an era!

_ Voice-to-text: _ I’m honestly impressed. You’ve matured. You’ve grown.

matt: about time jfc

_ two guns jesper _ : Okay. but is no one else suspicious about this sudden decision?

_ matt: _ yea… why now?

_ Kaz: _ I added her to a group so we could arrange a drug delivery and she was immediately kicked out by the client.

_ NOOT NOOT _ : ok theres no reason to tell everyone

_ Kaz _ : On an unrelated note, I’m going to need Jesper to come with me on Thursday lunchtime to drop off a briefcase.

_ two guns jesper: _ u got it boss!

_ NOOT NOOT: _ just rub it in why dont you. i really wanted that money.

_ matt:  _ you’re AWFUL

I _ nky: _ Awww, nina. :( I’ll take you out for coffee to compensate

_ NOOT NOOT: _ see, this is another reason i need to change my name. I want to be romantic but my name is noot noot and i cant

_ Inky: _ i love you anyway <3 mwah mwah

_ Kaz: _ Please stop you’re making me physically ill

_ two guns jesper: _ so what are you changing your name to?   
_ NOOT NOOT: _ well, are you all ready?

_ matt: _ NO

_ matt:  _ KUWEI ISNT HERE

_ matt: _ HE CANT MISS THIS

_ Voice-to-text: _ Oh no, someone has to get Kuwei.

_ Inky: _ I know where he is! Gimme a sec I’ll just pop over to meet him in his dorm

_ NOOT NOOT _ : inej saves the day once again!!!   
_ two guns jesper: _ wow, nina u’ve had that name for a year without changing it…

_ two guns jesper: _ that’s so long…

_ Kaz:  _ Jesper, you’ve been  **@two guns jespe** r as your contact name, your tumblr url, your twitter handle, and your instagram profile for three years.

_ two guns jesper: _ yeah, but like, what would i change it to?

_ matt:  _ Fuckhands McMike?

_ two guns jesper: _ it’s not… me enough

_ Voice-to-text:  _ “My boyfriend calls me gunboy in bed”

_ Kaz:  _ Oh god.

_ two guns jesper _ : ITS PERFECT

_ NOOT NOOT:  _ NO YOU CANT ITS MY NAME CHANGING DAY U CANT CHANGE UR NAME

_ two guns jesper: _ ur right, nina, im so sorry. ill l change my name some other day

matt: you don’t actually call him gunboy, do you wylan?

_ Voice-to-text: _ Fuck no L M A O

_ Inky: _ I GOT HIM

_ Please _ : IM HERE

_ Please: _ IM READY TO BEAR WITNESS

_ NOOT NOOT:  _ okay yall ready!

_ two guns jesper _ : im shivering all over!!!

_ Inky:  _ Good luck angel!

_ matt _ : DONT FORGET US

_ Please: _ we’ll always love you!

_ Voice-to-text: _ I’ve got faith in you!   
_ Kaz: _ Jesus Christ she’s just changing her name

_ NOOT NOOT _ has changed their contact name to _ bi-tch _

_ bi-tch _ : well? classy or what?

_ Inky: _ Ooh, very nice!

_ Please _ : is that your tumblr handle?

_ matt:  _ oh wow that’s like… actually kind of clever. well done!

_ two guns jesper: _ i need one that says gay-mer

_ Inky:  _ You’ve never played a video game in your life

_ two guns jesper: _ shit

_ Kaz: _ I literally have no opinion on this.

_ Voice-to-text _ : am i missing a joke?

_ two guns jesper:  _ oh, you know how nina wrote bitch? she  put a dash between bi and the t c h! So she’s go emphasis on bi and its like bi bitch?

_ Voice-to-text:  _ Oh, okay! That’s clever smile emoji

_ two guns jesper: b _ aby ur the light of my life

_ Voice-to-text _ : You’re my moon and stars!

_ bi-tch _ : you two are literally nauseating.

_ matt:  _ hey kaz

_ matt: _ guess who’s free on saturday?

_ Kaz:  _ Can’t come, I have financial issues to take care of.

_ Matt: _ :(

_ Kaz _ : ...but you’re welcome to come keep me company.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find my tumblr at wylan-van-feck! i post bad art and worse shitposts!
> 
> also if someone draws kaz taking a selfie in front of a kissing wylan and jesper ill. i dont know what. write you something. im sorry i have virtually 0 useful skills


	5. kaz tries to be more honest. it has mixed effects.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is real short guys im sorry, it was meant 2 be a larger chapter but im working on the rest of it rn! I kind of just wanted 2 get something back out so no 1 would think I'd forgotten this fic :)  
> anyway, i might have more out today, but more realistically the weekend.

_bi-tch:_ how was everyone's weekend

_Kaz:_ I wish no one loved me so I could die.

_bi-tch:_ mood tbh

_bi-tch:_ but also too bad we love you

_Kaz:_ I know.

_Kaz:_ And it sucks.

_two guns jesper_ : if it helps, even tho i adore u man, i love wylan more than i love you

_Kaz:_ Somehow that makes me feel better?

_bi-tch:_ thats probably not a good sign kaz

_Kaz:_ I think...

_Kaz:_ I think I'm happy Jesper has someone he cares about who can love him back like he deserves???

_two guns jesper:_ omg

_two guns jesper:_ thats so sweet kaz im sheddin a tear

_Kaz:_ Ugh I hate this.

_bi-tch:_ im so proud,,, i rlly need 2 air kiss u rn kaz

_Kaz:_ **@matt** Why did you make me do this

_two guns jesper:_ brb i need to go tell wylan abt this

_bi-tch:_ bye! ily!

_Kaz:_ See you.

_Kaz:_ I'm leaving too. I don't want to have to see Wylan's incomprehensible adoring noises translated into text.

_bi-tch:_ Awww :(

_bi-tch:_ guess its just me

_bi-tch:_ all alone

_bi-tch:_ nobody around to love me

_bi-tch:_ aaaaaaalll by myseeeeeeelllffff

_matt:_ *drives up and winds down my window* oh is that so ;)

_bi-tch:_ *leans out of my window and smiles flirtatiously down at u* o-oh! i wasnt expecting anyone to overhear  >w< hi, can i take ur order?

_matt:_ yea, can i get a fuckin uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

_bi-tch:_ *turns into a werewolf with long black hair and wolf ears and a tail but still human* im a werewolf... are u scared?

_matt:_ no... im a werewolf too *turns into a werewolf with huge muscles* and its mating season...

_two guns jesper_ : jESUS FUCKING CHRIST PLEASE DO NOT

_bi-tch:_ you mean 'please do knot' ;)

_two guns jesper:_ I HATE BOTH OF YOU MY BOYFRIEND HAD TO LISTEN TO THAT

_two guns jesper:_ I TOLD HIM KAZ DID SOMETHING CUTE AND THEN HE HEARS THIS FURRY SHIT

_two guns jesper:_ AND NOW HE WONT TALK TO ME

_matt:_ huh. i kind of assumed wylan had like. a secret furry deviantart account somewhere

_Voice-to-text:_ Jesper can you type something into my phone for me I need capslock

_two guns jesper_ : i gotchu babe

_Voice-to-text:_ IM NOT A FUCKING FURRY I HATE YOU GUYS SO MUCH 

_Voice-to-text:_ WE ALL HAD A CRUSH ON THE FUCKING FOX IN ZOOTOPIA

_bi-tch:_ no we did not

_bi-tch:_ that was just you

_matt:_ to be fair, wylan has a thing for cocky assholes

_Voice-to-text:_ what the fuck is that supposed to mean

_Voice-to-text:_ (this is still jesper btw)

_Voice to text:_ (wylan is too busy screaming into his pillow 2 talk rn)

_matt:_ actually you know who was a furry when they were younger?

_matt:_ kaz

_matt:_ kaz was DEFINITELY a furry

_bi-tch:_ yeah but like,,, an edgy furry

_bi-tch:_ jesper you knew kaz when he was 12, was he a furry?

_Voice-to-text:_ real sorry guys, ive signed a legal contract that prevents me from talking abt what kaz was like from ages 11-14

_matt:_ sometimes you say things and i literally can't figure out if you're joking or not

_bi-tch:_ tbh i think thats just a confirmation kaz has some embarrassing ocs out there

_Voice-to-text:_ ....

_Voice-to-text:_ *whispers* h e w a s i n t o s u p e r w h o l o c k

_matt:_ I FUCKIGN KNEW IT

_matt:_ I KNEW THERE WAS A REASON HE WORE THOSE NERDY COATS ALL THE TIME

_bi-tch:_ oh my gdo im going to die

_Voice-to-text:_ GUYS SHUT UP HE'LL HEAR

_Voice-to-text_ has deleted 6 messages.

_Voice-to-text:_ Wylan here, I've taken my phone back as Jesper can't be entrusted with his own safety.

_Voice-to-text:_ Also, fuck you guys.

_bi-tch:_ we love you too wylan

_matt:_ i cant believe he fucking killed jesper

_bi-tch:_ r i p he will be missed

_matt:_ birds do it, bees do it

_bi-tch:_ let's fall in love

_matt:_ die

_bi-tch:_ oh

_bi-tch:_ this is why we broke up

_matt:_ i thought it was because u were a furry

_bi-tch:_ also im gay

_matt:_ same!!!!!!

_bi-tch:_ omg twinsies

_bi-tch:_ speaking of **@Kaz** wink wonk how r u 2 doing

_Kaz:_ I want to kill him.

_matt:_ but i think it's kinda hot

_matt:_ also your not being honest abt your feelings!!! tut tut tut mr.therapy is mad at you

_Kaz:_ Wrong your.

_Kaz:_ And that's so unfair?? Wylan literally just said he hated you guys like four minutes ago?

_Kaz:_ The double standard is2g

_Kaz:_ Speaking of which, what were the messages Wylan deleted?

_bi-tch:_ oh jesper just started rlly oversharing abt their sex life and he got mad.

_Kaz:_ Wow that's like... actually really shitty of jesper?

_bi-tch:_ fuck

_bi-tch:_ ok that was a lie he wasnt being a bitch he was talkin abt ur superwholock phase

_bi-tch:_ im sorry we lied

_Kaz:_ ...

_matt:_ Also can we read your fanfiction?

_Kaz_ has left the groupchat.

**Author's Note:**

> jesper's cat is named david meowie. its a girl. jesper doesnt know who david bowie is. he just googled "cat name puns" and thought it sounded cool. 
> 
> i might continue this tbh? give me feedback i guess


End file.
